If you’re a mother or father to a child, there’s at least a 90% chance that you’ve experienced some intense, nerve-wracking meltdowns. And perhaps that’s why you’re here, to figure out how to handle tantrums effectively.
If you find yourself trying to defuse tantrums multiple times a week (or even a day!) and it seems like that’s what parenting is all about, you’ve come to the right place.
While you know tantrums all too well, you might not know (yet) that you can turn them into emotional intelligence by handling them in a way that allows your child’s brain to develop the best.
The question we should be asking ourselves is NOT how to avoid or stop a tantrum, but rather what is happening in our child’s brain when they have a tantrum.
Read on for more.
What Exactly Is a Tantrum?
A tantrum can be defined as a state of extreme dysregulation, in which a child cannot reason and acts solely through impulse and emotion.
And contrary to what you might have heard before, tantrums are 100% normal and expected. There are two main reasons for that: a developmental one, and an environmental one. I’ll walk you through both of them.
Tantrums are multifactorial, meaning they are caused by a combination of factors rather than a single specific factor.
One very important contributor to tantrums is that children have very immature brains. Most specifically, the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain responsible for managing emotions, critical thinking, problem-solving, and other reason-based processes, won’t be fully developed until about the age of 24.
Put simply: from a neurodevelopmental point of view, children do not yet have the ability to handle big feelings by themselves.
Some other important factors that contribute to tantrums are environmental elements, such as hunger, tiredness, illness or physical discomfort, stressful settings, communication barriers, overstimulation, and so on.
While most of these factors are pretty self-explanatory, I’d like to dive deeper into overstimulation.
Overstimulation and Tantrums
We live in an overstimulated world, not just for kids, but for adults too. The excess of information and stimuli that we are all exposed to can be triggering for us, but for children, it is like a mental dynamite.
One of the easiest ways to overstimulate a child is by handing them a screen, be it a phone, tablet, or TV.
While I’m not “anti-screens”, I urge you to delay its introduction and avoid its use as much as possible, as researches show that screen use is directly related to an increase in tantrums, difficult/defiant behavior, social and emotional challenges, learning difficulties, inattention and hyperactivity in children.
Read more: 15 SCREEN-FREE Summer Activity Ideas Your Whole Family Will Love.
Tantrums Are Important
Yes, you’ve read that right.
Tantrums are a natural outburst of feelings from a little human who cannot yet process and deal with them in a more rational manner. A toddler who has tantrums is a normal, healthy child.
More than that, tantrums are important (if handled intelligently) because they provide opportunities for you to teach your child how to best understand, handle, and regulate their own emotions so they can develop what we call emotional intelligence.
This doesn’t mean you should provoke tantrums, but you don’t have to avoid them or try to stop them at all costs.
You can let the tantrum happen.
How NOT To Handle Tantrums
Many of us were told that tantrums were attempts to manipulate us and that we should ignore or punish them. While that may seem like a reasonable solution at the moment, when you too get frustrated, in the long term it will only create more problems for you and your child.
Remember: It is not your job to end a tantrum and it is not intelligent to avoid, suppress, or ignore it.
What happens when we ignore tantrums
One of the biggest myths about parenting that have been passed on through many generations is that we should ignore tantrums because the kid “only wants attention”.
The issue with that is that kids don’t want attention, they NEED it in order to thrive. When a child has a tantrum they are saying “I’m feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, I’m dysregulated and I need your help”.
A tantrum is not a behavioral problem. Ignoring a tantrum won’t teach your child to “behave properly”. It will only teach them that they cannot count on you to help them deal with their problems and, in the long run, it can make it difficult for them to ask for help from others when they need it.
What happens when we avoid tantrums at all costs
The issue with avoiding tantrums and meltdowns is that the child won’t learn how to deal with difficult situations, or how to handle sadness, frustration, and anger in a healthy way.
In the attempt to parent respectfully, many parents fall into the trap of avoiding all sorts of frustrations and upsetments their kids could have. But raising a child respectfully also means that you respect their right to be upset, frustrated, and angry. Respecting someone means supporting them through their emotions, and not sparing them from any problem they might face in life.
Think about it this way: challenges in life are inevitable. Isn’t it better to help your child develop the inner resources and conquer the tools to overcome those challenges than to try to solve all their problems for them until you can no longer do that and they feel lost?
What happens when we try to stop tantrums
I’ve seen some very well-intentioned parents trying desperately to end a meltdown by bribing or distracting their child with screens, toys, candies, and empty promises.
We do not have to stop a tantrum. It will stop when the child has “ridden the wave” of the emotion and regained control over themselves.
When we constantly try to end a tantrum before the child is ready, we’re not helping them deal with and overcome the emotion. Instead, they might get “stuck” in a state of emotional instability.
“Children can only learn to regulate the emotions they are allowed to have”. – Christel Estrada
What happens when we suppress tantrums
If we punish or threaten a child for having a tantrum, we might raise a kid who doesn’t know how to regulate their own emotions but has learned to suppress them in order to please others.
This usually results in adults who have a hard time demonstrating emotions and are constantly trying to please and seek approval from others.
A tantrum is a dysregulated behavior that often comes from a healthy impulse. An impulse to (not) want something, to be heard and taken seriously. This is something we want to cultivate so that later our children can confidently say “No, I don’t want this”, “I don’t like when you do this”, or “No, I said stop”.
A Step-By-Step Guide on How to Handle Tantrums Effectively
Because children have an undeveloped prefrontal cortex, their ability to handle big emotions by themselves and self-regulate is very low.
Which is why they need you!
But first and foremost, internalize that you do not have to stop the tantrum.
The best thing to do is to stay calm and be present.
I promise that if you follow these four steps you will never experience tantrums in the same way.
1 – Assess the circumstance
Is your child expressing their feelings in a safe way and in a safe environment? If so, you can move on to the next steps.
If your child or someone else is in danger, you’ll need to intervene.
For example, if they are hitting a friend, hold their arm and say “I won’t let you hit Luke”
Or if they are running like crazy next to a parking lot, you might need to hold them and say “I won’t let you run in the parking lot”.
If you’re in a public setting, your child might be overwhelmed by the noise, the crowds, or the excess of stimuli. If that’s the case, you might want to find a quieter place to help them regulate.
2 – Regulate yourself
If you feel annoyed, frustrated, upset, or angry with your child’s tantrum, remind yourself that it is okay to feel this way.
But you can’t help them regulate if you are escalated. If that’s the case, give yourself some time to calm down and take some deep breaths before addressing the situation.
→ Remind yourself that your little one is still new to this world and is learning how to manage their emotions and interact with others.
→ Remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with having a tantrum.
→ Remind yourself that your child isn’t trying to manipulate you or make you angry; they are struggling and dysregulated, unable to access their reasoning skills.
→ Try to see the situation through your child’s eyes. Try to understand what they are feeling.
Remember, your child models your behavior. Stay calm, be patient, and they will soon pick up on your energy.
3 – Be present
Being 100% present is crucial.
Sit with them, be near them, hug them if they want. Your presence is essential for helping them understand they are safe to experience big emotions.
This is not the time to tell them to calm down or offer solutions. Most times you’ll want to just sit quietly with them at first.
If you feel like it can help your child, you might want to say something reassuring, such as “I’m here with you”.
When you notice that the most intense part is gone, your child’s breathing has slowed down and they seem a bit more relaxed, you can move on to the next step.
An important observation → This by itself is great for helping your child de-escalate and regain access to their prefrontal cortex. On some occasions (if you’re in a hurry or need some time to take care of yourself and handle your own feelings) you might want to just end it here. However, if you want to take this opportunity to help your child develop emotional intelligence and learn how to regulate themselves (and just deal with hardships better), you should definitely continue to this next step.
4 – Turn tantrums into emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and express your own emotions while also being attuned to the emotions of others. It encompasses self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills, enabling your child to manage stress, communicate effectively, navigate social complexities, build strong and healthy relationships, make sound decisions, and resolve conflicts constructively.
So how do we turn a tantrum into emotional intelligence?
(A) The first step is to help your child name and understand the emotions.
When your child is feeling more relaxed after a tantrum, you can help them name the emotion they just experienced.
→ “Did you feel angry because Maria took the toy from your hand?”
→ “Are you feeling upset because we have to go home?”
→ “You’re frustrated because you couldn’t buy the toy you wanted, is that right?”
This will help your child understand and communicate what they are feeling. One of the things that contribute to tantrums is feeling unable to express and let others know what you’re feeling. Therefore, helping your child understand and name emotions can drastically reduce the amount of tantrums you’ll face.
But this lesson should not be limited to the tantrum situation. It is important to talk about emotions when everything is okay and everyone is happy and regulated.
→ Bring it up at the dinner table, ask them about all the different emotions they had that day, and tell them about the emotions you’ve experienced and what triggered them
→ Play a game where they have to match a face (could be a picture of a person or a character) to the emotion it is showing
→ If they see another child crying in public, ask them why they think the child is crying… even if the answer isn’t correct (or you don’t know what happened) that’s a great way to get them to reflect on other people’s feelings
(B) The second step is to teach your child how to manage and express emotions.
Your child must know that every emotion is normal and accepted, but not every behavior is. While it’s okay to feel upset, angry, or frustrated, it’s not okay to hit someone or throw things because of it.
In my personal opinion and experience, the best way to teach this is by being a good example.
Your child will always model your behavior. How do you deal with your frustration and anger? How do YOU handle those big emotions? Do you stay calm, take deep breaths, ask for a moment alone, or do you lash out at others?
(Yes, mamas and dadas, this is hard. The most challenging part of parenting is not controlling our kid’s behaviors, but our own)
You should also teach them different resources and tools to handle big emotions directly. Breathing exercises, journaling, getting some fresh air, going for a walk, coloring, and even some simple mindfulness practices can be great tools, but make sure you teach them when your child is feeling well and receptive, not in the middle of a tantrum.
What About Boundaries?
Letting a tantrum happen doesn’t mean your child will get what they want, but that they have the right to express how they feel when they are frustrated, angry, or upset.
You can say “no”, hold your boundary and still handle your kid’s meltdown in a respectful, loving way.
This can sound something like: “I understand you’re upset, but your TV time is over” or “It’s okay to be angry, but we have to go home now”.
Summing It Up: Handling Tantrums
Does it sound counter-intuitive that the more we accept and allow tantrums to happen, the less frequent and intense they become? But that’s exactly how it works!
A tantrum means your child is dysregulated and needs you! Punishing, threatening, ignoring, or avoiding a tantrum will only create more problems for your child in the long run. Trying to problem-solve is also not the best approach. All your child needs during a tantrum is the safety to ride the wave of the emotion and learn that they can handle big feelings.
Yes, it can be triggering. Yes, it can be annoying. And it is okay if you lose your temper sometimes, you’re only human! Apologizing is also a great way to teach that we all make mistakes, including mama and dada, and that’s okay!!
Parenting is a never-ending learning journey. You’ve got this!
Read more: The 5 Best Books For New Parents.
